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by Alveena Salim

Children love their primary school teacher. It’s a kid thing. Even after my class has spent a day dealing with my mood, I’ll still have two kids hanging on to my legs and one on my waist telling their parents that they don’t want to go home.
Speaking of being a cranky teacher, I’ve noticed that during the course of the year I’ve picked up some stereotypical, cliché sayings that I probably repeat on a daily basis. I myself get sick of the sound of my voice; I dunno why my class never complains.

They never taught me this during my training. But every teacher needs to have a bank of ‘what we say – but what we really mean’ sayings.

To state a few..

“Did I need to know that?”…. (In the middle of my intro to a maths lesson, you decide to tell me that your mum forgot to wash your hair last night?!)

“The head teacher is visiting you this afternoon, she wants to see how well behaved you lot are. So if anyone misbehaves this afternoon, you’ll be missing playtime for a week”….(It’s my NQT teacher observation, if I mess this up, I’ve screwed up my year )

“If I have to speak to you again, I’ll be talking to your dad after school”….(I know I cant touch you, but I know your dad will spank you if he hears you’ve been playing up)

“Hand down. Not Interested”…. (I’m trying to explain what happened in the Second World War – I don’t want to lose my trail of thought. Plus, I don’t really care if someone poked you/punched you/stabbed you/kicked you…etc etc)

“It’s not my classroom” – (Well, it is but why should I tidy up at the end of the day when you guys made the mess)

“I was very disappointed with the standard of the work you did yesterday with the supply teacher, so you’ll be doing it again today”…. (It wasn’t that bad, but I haven’t planned anything today, so I’ll deliver a doss lesson)

“I need a brave child to take this spider safely to the playground” …(Cos I cant stand creepy crawlies and there’s no way I’ll be touching it)

“I need two special teacher helpers” – (….to do the mundane task of sharpening pencils, giving books out and tidying up the classroom)

End of school reports are even more interesting…

“Sensitive child”…. (crybaby – she even cries when it starts to rain and she cant go out to play)

“Natural at leadership”….. (Incredibly bossy, loves telling everyone what to do)

“Enjoys debates”… (Incredibly defensive, argumentative and opinionated)

“strong character”…(it doesn’t matter what anyone says to him, he is so thick skinned, nothing gets him down)

I love what I do. Honest.