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By Alveena Salim

Recently I’ve been feeling extremely nostalgic for someone. Me.

I miss me. The old me.

It’s been so long, that I can’t even pinpoint when I started to disappear.

I used to be more passionate, more sincere, more active, more driven…

I loved teaching. At one point I’d be teaching voluntary 7days a week. I loved writing, I was the SubEditor of a National magazine. I had a passion for dhikr circles and would travel hundreds of miles just to attend one. I loved social/community work. I loved visiting bookstores, reading and building my library. I loved learning and would be attending classes on the side. And all this was whilst I was in full time postgraduate studies and also when I started full time work.

Then I got married Alhumdulillah and a new chapter of my life began. Over the past seven years, I had children, relocated several times, progressed in my career.

However, I lost my drive. I lost my passion. I dropped my interests, lost my sincerity.

I lost me.

I become a people pleaser, so what I wanted, how I thought, my interests and hobbies became secondary to others.

I become lost in my career. Got busy socialising. Became obsessed with my marriage. Would only care about where/what I was going to eat next weekend. What movies I was going to watch. All superficial things. I stopped thinking about what’s important.

It’s only recently I that I’ve began to realise how much of myself I’ve lost. I’ve been working on trying to get the old me back.

It’s been a long process. I’ve started reading and writing again. I’ve been planning on setting up a dhikr circle.
My friends tell me it’s an inevitable part of growing up and that change is not necessarily a bad thing. I don’t disagree with them. But there are many qualities I miss about the old me and many things that I dislike about the new me.

I have a long way to go in getting my sincerity, passion and drive back. I may never be the same person again. But I’ve started the search in trying to find her again.

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