Recently I’ve been feeling extremely nostalgic for someone. Me.
I miss me. The old me.
It’s been so long, that I can’t even pinpoint when I started to disappear.
I used to be more passionate, more sincere, more active, more driven…
I loved teaching. At one point I’d be teaching voluntary 7days a week. I loved writing, I was the SubEditor of a National magazine. I had a passion for dhikr circles and would travel hundreds of miles just to attend one. I loved social/community work. I loved visiting bookstores, reading and building my library. I loved learning and would be attending classes on the side. And all this was whilst I was in full time postgraduate studies and also when I started full time work.
Then I got married Alhumdulillah and a new chapter of my life began. Over the past seven years, I had children, relocated several times, progressed in my career.
However, I lost my drive. I lost my passion. I dropped my interests, lost my sincerity.
I lost me.
I become a people pleaser, so what I wanted, how I thought, my interests and hobbies became secondary to others.
I become lost in my career. Got busy socialising. Became obsessed with my marriage. Would only care about where/what I was going to eat next weekend. What movies I was going to watch. All superficial things. I stopped thinking about what’s important.
It’s only recently I that I’ve began to realise how much of myself I’ve lost. I’ve been working on trying to get the old me back.
It’s been a long process. I’ve started reading and writing again. I’ve been planning on setting up a dhikr circle.
My friends tell me it’s an inevitable part of growing up and that change is not necessarily a bad thing. I don’t disagree with them. But there are many qualities I miss about the old me and many things that I dislike about the new me.
I have a long way to go in getting my sincerity, passion and drive back. I may never be the same person again. But I’ve started the search in trying to find her again.