Despite the excitement and preparation that I busied myself with on the night before Eid. The mild depression set in on Eid day. Of course I was happy it was Eid. I took great joy in wrapping up presents for friends and getting my children ready. But I just couldn’t shake the feeling that something was different.
Something was missing. And it was You.
There is this constant spirituality and nearness that is felt in the month of Ramadan. And the beauty of this month is that you didn’t necessarily have to be directly worshipping You. Yet, one could still feel Your nearness and presence at all times.
I miss how close I felt to You. And I miss how You made me feel.
The days were beautiful and full of Barakah. And the sweetness of worship that was felt at night was on another level. I never felt anxious or sad this month. My only concern was that I wasn’t doing enough. And I wasn’t. I didn’t take advantage of every blessed moment and the days just slipped through my fingers. Such is the state of insan (man), that even when we’re blessed with gifts, we’re unable to give thanks for them as they deserve.
Since Ramadan, I’ve tried looking for You in Dhikr classes. In the last third of the night. In good company. And the honest truth is, it’s good. But it’s not the same.
What’s giving me some solace is the duas I made during this blessed nights. At the times, that You’ve promised to respond. And You never break Your promises.
The dua to find You again. Be it in Dhikr classes, amongst those that love You, in Your blessed lands, in the sincerity/secrecy of worship, in spending in Your way and in serving those that You love.
I ask that You keep me there so that I can find You again.